Women and Success Blog - 15 October 2007
Tuesday, October 16. 2007
It is with great excitement that I log on each day to read the comments from all the women who have added their voice to the discussion around women and success. Thank you all for your honesty and sharing your thoughts so openly. It is inspiring to read your comments.
I also realised that I didn't share what success means to me, how I defined myself through success. For me success is being true to myself, being honest. It's about aligning what I do in my life with who I am being.
The themes emerging are certainly around how success is so different for all of us, and we all share that relationships (with our family, friends and ourselves) are what's really important. The other thing that struck a chord for me is that as we grow, change and evolve how we define success grows and evolves. What a wonderful world we can thrive in, if we choose to.
How about making a choice today to start to celebrate the accomplishments in our day, like Rebecca set up a ritual with a friend, a sacred time where you celebrate who you are, the great things you have achieved and the love in your life.
Now it's time to stop beating ourselves up for the things we haven't done or got wrong (in our eyes). We spend so much time on what we haven't done, got right (what is right anyway!) So what does get in the way of us appreciating and acknowledging our success?
SELF SABOTAGE
I want to share one of my favourite quotes and an article I wrote on Self Sabotage.
“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”
– Carlos Castaneda
So you see the effort is the same, we may as well change our focus! Think about how you want your life to be. How often do you find yourself thinking “I can't”, “I shouldn't”, “It's too risky”, “I'm not smart enough” or “I shouldn't speak up in this meeting because......”
If these thoughts crowd your mind, you’re not alone.
Self-sabotage is the culprit that breathes life into limiting beliefs that hold us back from realising our potential. It's the voice that shows up uninvited and often suffocates your ideas before they’ve had time to grow.
Do you recognise this voice? Take a moment to look back over your life and pick out the times that you’ve let an opportunity slip by, allowed a potential relationship to remain undiscovered or stopped a dream ever becoming reality.
It's important to accept that the saboteur's voice actually belongs to you. You are the narrator of the stories that tell you, you can't, you should or shouldn't.
Take action today to side step your own self-sabotage.
It doesn't have to be big - choose something small, something that you’d like to do and haven't because you think you shouldn't.
Maybe you want to call someone, but you’ve made up all sorts of reasons why you can't. Perhaps it's a course you want to take, but you’ve invented a list of reasons why you won't be able to.
As you start to entertain these ideas, notice what comes up for you. What's the conversation that starts to happen? At what point do you shut down and surrender to the self-sabotage?
Behaviour
What are your self-sabotaging behaviours?
They may include some of the following:
· procrastination
· perfectionism
· over committing
· not finishing what you’ve started
· distraction
· loss of focus
· self criticism and/or criticising others
· needed help and didn't ask
· failure to assert your own needs or desires.
Take a moment to list your sabotaging behaviours.
Cost
Ask yourself, “What is the cost of allowing self-sabotage to run my life?”
This may include a project never taken off your shelf of ideas, an unfulfilled dream, a promotion missed.
Take a moment to list down these costs.
Payback
Now it's time to look at payback.
Payback is what we get from allowing self-sabotage to run our lives.
Imagine you’re working late. Your saboteur's voice has convinced you that you can't ask for help on this project. So, you’re in the office alone and your resentment’s building. Your payback may be that you get to be right about being in this alone – in short, you get to be the martyr.
Take a moment to think of similar incidents in your life. When you’ve thought of some examples, what was the outcome? Was it the outcome that you wanted?
The next step
O.K, so now you’re starting to notice when self-sabotage creeps in, what do you do next?
The most important part of bypassing your self-sabotage is by simply noticing.
By noticing, you become aware. You pay attention to what's going on for you. As tempting as it may be, avoid getting into an intellectual debate with your self-sabotage. The moment you get into dialogue with your sabotaging voice, you’re defeated.
Take a moment to listen to the message your saboteur delivers and know that you have a choice, a choice of accepting this or moving on.
Does this message serve you? If not, push the message away and allow yourself to see what’s possible once you’re free from its grip.
Yes, it takes practice, but you’ll soon discover the rewards are worth it.
Commitment
Make a commitment now to start noticing your self-saboteur's voice. Dare to dream about what's possible for you when you eliminate this voice from your life.
Additional Resources
Taming Your Gremlin. A Guide to Enjoying Yourself: Richard D Carson.
Get Out of Your Own Way: Escape From Mind Traps: Tom and Natalie Rusk.
Self-Defeating Behaviours: Free yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings and Attitudes that hold you back: Milton Cudney.
I would love to hear your thoughts and if you are willing, share some of the times self sabotage has held you back and times when you are triumphed over your self sabotage. Share any strategies that have helped you, they will certainly help others.
It would be great to know where you are writing from, Australia, the US, the UK, and Singapore etc.
Until next time
Have fun and celebrate all that you are..
Best wishes
Pollyanna
www.perspectivescoaching.com.au
#1 2007-10-22 13:02 (Reply)
This sounds so familiar... you've put a name to the habits which have frustrated me on many occasions. Glad to know I'm not alone!
I think that what works best for me to overcome this self sabotage is surrounding myself with great mentors and positive people, who I can rely on to be completely honest with me - these people often help me to recognise some of those self sabotage habits which aren't always so obvious to myself. That outsider's perspective can make all the difference!
#2 2007-10-22 14:12 (Reply)
Again, you have hit the nail on the head Pollyanna. Defining success is a very individual and dynamic exercise, unique to each person and dependant on the chosen journey. I love the saying "Success is the sweet reward of turning believing into achieving".
As you've said, the process of turning our dreams into achivements is often hampered by self-sabotage, and boy, am I an expert on the matter! Sadly, this has been largely due to ignorance (stemming from lack of earlier guidance and access). It is therefore a great blessing to have people like Pollyanna advocating for women like me, who have the hunger to be everything that we can be and are on the path to discovering how.
Changing these 'self-sabotage' behaviours can be quite challenging though. For me, it has been about focusing and being very clear about what will happen if I don't change certain areas of my life. This has led me to (among other actions) undertake an Executive MBA at AGSM, which I had been avoiding for a decade!
In the meantime, I am celebrating every success in my life as frequently as I can. Unfortunately, I like to celebrate with food (preferably sweets/cakes) and so I need to be careful!
Best,
Ruby
#2.1 2007-10-23 14:10 (Reply)
I have been told many many times that I have had my children too young and will not amount to anything in my life (I was the naughty child in the class that got kicked out everyday). I could have taken this advice and self-sabotaged myself and did just that (not amount to anything), however I chose not to and set out to achieve what I knew I could.
I fell pregnant at the age of 15 and had my first baby when I was 16 and the third by 21 years old. I attended school throughout my pregnancy and even took my son to school with me once he was born.
I then went on to work part time as a waitress and also complete my Certificate II Business Secretary at Tafe, after that I worked Fulltime as an Accountants Assistant as well as complete Certificate II, III and IV Business Administration/Management, whilst completing these certificates I was nominated for 'Optus Outstanding Student' of the year by Australian Industry Group Training. Pretty good achievement for a single young mum with three children.
My passion since the age of 8 was to become a Funeral Director, after witnessing a man being hit and killed by a car. Once I completed my studies and after ten years of door knocking on Funeral Directors doors I was finally given the opportunity to work at Lepines Funerals and was employed as a Funeral Arranger Conductor. However as I had problems with my 12 year old son at the time, I had to make the biggest choice of my life and resign shortly after. At this time I was a single mum to three, so as you can imagine I had to have the kids in before school care at 7.00am and pick them up at 6.00pm, life was very hectic and my 12 year old son was not coping with my hours or the fact his father was not involved in his life .
I am not one to sit around and had to make another huge choice. A friend of mine (now my partner) had just started a business Signs'n'Banners and I asked if he would be interested in letting me run the business. Another big change, I had to move to Mornington from Croydon Hills which is an hour away to be closer to the business. As this was just a newly established business I was excited about the challenge. I only started in February and already we have been nominated a finalist in our local paper for a business award. I want to empower other young mums to do the same. I have just graduated from toastmasters, which is a course on public speaking. I am now in the process of completeing a 16 day course on coaching. I believe I have what it takes to become an inspirational women to many young mums and women. This is my purpose and passion in life. .
My goal is to become a motivational speaker as I believe my story would be of benefit to so many young mums out there trying to build a future for themselves and their children. I have lived in a domestic violent relationship, I was sexually abused at the age of nine, I had no mum whilst growing up, and yet I have managed to achieve so much and I have such a positive outlook on life simply because I DO NOT self- sabotage. I want to help put a stop to the cycle of domestic violence and help these victims become survivors. Growing up as a young mum I must say I did not know one young mum that I could use as a role model and that is why I feel I could be a great role model to many young mums out there.
I am now 28 years old and my children are Joshua 12, Tahlia 9, and Jack 7. I am team manager for my sons basketball team and my favourite sport to do is running. I have been training to compete in triathlons and actually competed in my first in February. Like all families we have been through our tough times and do still go through them, however we always get through them due to my positive outlook.
I have entered this life with lessons to learn and those lessons I have learnt can now be my gifts to give.
The reason I have come out of all of these hurdles I come across in a postive way is because I will not self-sabotage myself and trust me there have been many times that I have done this and the only place that gets me is feeling sorry for myself-nothing else. So I agree with you Pollyanna that we all must start noticing and becoming aware of self-sabotage and start paying attention to what's going on for you.
Cheers,
Stacey
#3 2007-11-10 01:44 (Reply)
Pollyanna,
Pollyanna, you are testament to your philosophy and a shining success! Congratulations also on this blog.
I agree with you, we can sabotage our progress and development as individuals. I often do this too. Life remains a fine balance!
Stacey - well done on your amazing achievements. You are an inspiration!
#4 2007-11-13 16:15 (Reply)
Hello All,
Wow Stacey you sound like you have had the odds stacked against you at times, but are a true credit to yourself and your family, what strength.
Pollyanna, that little voice, if only we could use it for good not evil. I have managed over time to tame the voice to a point, now and again it sneaks back and I don't think it will ever fully go away. But you are right if you can recognise it then you can do something about it.
Diana
#5 2007-11-14 16:10 (Reply)
Love your thought provoking article. So true! I used to be so hard on myself with a lot of self sabotaging along the way. I now acknowledge all that I do achieve and sabotage myself way less. It helps to acknowledge others more than most of us do too, because not only does it uplift and empower them but we can only acknowledge others to the degreee to which we acknowledge ourselves. x
#6 2008-03-06 17:56 (Reply)
Wow I am not alone .... I didn't know that I was self sabotaging until only recently. I would just eat when I was bored, stressed, emotional, moody.. basically all the time.
I have sabotaged my health and my business by punishing myself when i am on the edge of success and doing good....everyone else has a believe in my business except for me!
Having awareness of this is important but as it has become such a habit and I have left my self conscious take over the running of my life. I am a little worried that I won't able to control it.
maybe one way is to write down some goals for the year and an action plan to achieve them .... do you think that would help?
great inspiration stories from the others in the comments.
I will definitely research those references you provided Pollyanna
Thanks for listening
Helen
Perth WA
#7 2008-03-19 04:20 (Reply)
I've been reading thru the comments and I have a confession to make: I used a fake college degree to get my job. The employer wasn't keen on verifying my past since he knew my mom back in the day. And I now realize more and more each day that I'm just throwing my future out the window. What should I do? Quit and try some other job?
#7.1 2008-04-01 12:45 (Reply)
Hi Galin
You mention that you realise that you are ‘throwing your future out the window’ I am curious about the connection to how you feel about your job and your future and how you feel about presenting the fake college degree? Are the two linked? It may be useful to separate them out and explore each individually. Here are some questions to think about;
Do you enjoy your job?
What excites you, what are you passionate about?
What are your biggest challenges right now?
What are your three biggest strengths?
What are the three toughest things to face right now? How will you feel if these were resolved?
What do you want?
Make a list of all the things that you are tolerating in your life. We put up with, accept, take on and are dragged down by people’s behaviour, situations, problems and, even, our own behaviour. You are tolerating more than you think, so what are you tolerating?
What do you know you need to do re the past? What’s the courageous conversation that you need to have?
It’s often not easy to stop and look at our lives and to re-access and it is so important to do that. It has been very courageous of you to put your posting on this site today, and I make up a sign that you want some things in your life to change. What are those things?
Wishing lots of luck with your future, and let it be one that excites you.
Best wishes
Pollyanna.
#8 2011-07-06 21:50 (Reply)
Wow! I have just been told to take a month off work due to my depression - I didn't know I was depressed and I am a therapist!!! How's that for sabotage?
I appreciate your blog. Thank you for naming a damaging and powerful behavioural pattern. It really is up to us isn't it? No-one can do this for us (recognising and changing our thinking), so why is it soooooo hard?