An Inconceivable Notion

An Inconceivable Notion

With the prevalence of childlessness rising rapidly, most of us know at least one person who is childless - not by choice.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, about a quarter of women in their reproductive years are never likely to have children; and by 2011, couples without children are projected to outnumber those with children*. When you consider these alarming statistics, it comes as no surprise that Australia's birth rates are also at all an all-time low but what is the reasoning?

Is it due to a decline of social pressures to settle down and have children, failure of fertility treatment, underlying medical reasons or simply not meeting the right partner? These untold stories are the focus of the new book, An Inconceivable Notion, edited by Justine Davies.

As a freelance writer, blogger and author, Justine was stunned by the responses she received after writing a blog exploring the affordability of fertility treatments. The topic incited a huge debate with the underlying sentiment that infertility is merely one component of childlessness. Inspired by the conversations that eventuated, Justine decided, "OK, that's it! This is a book that needs to be written".

"Similar to politics and religion, parenting is one of those issues that has the ability to polarise people into a 'them and us' attitude", says Justine, "It's something that I've become acutely aware of over the last few years since I have been writing blogs. Whenever I have written a blog on any sort of parenting topic it causes immediate dissension between parents and non-parents; and the common theme that resides throughout all 18 stories in the book is how alone they all felt.

We always hear about the success stories - the people who fall pregnant despite the odds - but we don't often hear about the people who don't become parents despite wanting to be. I hope that many people gain comfort and reassurance from this book."

* Cited in1301.0 Year Book Australia 2008, Australian Bureau of Statistics, issued 7 February 2008.

The untold stories...
"Being childless doesn't hurt any less now but it's just a reality of life, like accepting that the sun rises in the east. No matter how much you'd like it to change, it's not going to…" John, 42.
"I just wonder if his desire to have children of his own is actually greater than his love and commitment to me. I know that sounds terrible..." Emily, 40

Extract from An Inconceivable Notion:Emily is forty and has been with her current partner for eighteen months. Over that time she has suffered two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in the removal of one ovary.

After my last miscarriage we began to see a fertility specialist. I have to say that she was pretty blunt. She was basically saying to me that, at my age, we don't have time to waste. Oh, and that I need to lose weight! She said to keep trying - keep having sex - but her bottom line was that it was really my age, I'm really too old. I got the impression with her that it was like: 'Oh yes, here's another forty-year-old who can't have children and wonders why.' I know age is a factor. That's why I was so surprised that I did fall pregnant so quickly - three times!

When I was a kid myself, I always assumed that I'd be a mother one day. One of my life goals was to be a mother well and truly by now, preferably with two or three kids. I had names picked out, that sort of thing. I'm very maternal and nurturing and, basically, I just love children. Trying to get pregnant at age forty was never my dream.

So why didn't I try …
… to have kids earlier? Well, I was married quite young, at age twenty-five, and the assumption was always there that we would have children one day. Because we had married so young there was no real rush, no pressure to have children straightaway. And it was always a case of 'Well, we're not ready yet, we're not ready yet'. Perhaps deep down I suspected that the marriage wouldn't survive having children. Not that it survived anyway.

We were married for nine years and as time progressed, my husband seemed more and more reluctant to have children. I don't know whether that's because he was feeling insecure in the marriage or because, by then, he genuinely didn't want children. But to cut a long story short, towards the end of my marriage he was actually going around telling people (behind my back) that we weren't going to have children. Without having ever discussed that with me! I confronted him about that and everything exploded. We had a big argument and that was essentially the end of the marriage. It wasn't the only reason that the marriage ended, of course, but it was certainly a significant factor. And it's probably the easiest reason to give people when they ask why the marriage failed.

Maybe the fact that he didn't want children with me was symptomatic of something else. He has gone on to marry again and while they haven't had children as yet, apparently he is quite keen to have a family with her. I know them both still, and I was asking her one day: 'So have you finally convinced him to have kids?' And she said: 'Oh, he's more clucky than I am.' And that's always life's irony, isn't it? Because men can take thirty years or more to find themselves and settle before they need to start thinking about kids. Women, on the other hand, just don't have that time.

Justine Daviesis a freelance writer, blogger and author of How to Afford a Baby and How to Afford a Husband. She is a mother of three and currently has long-running blogs on Essential Baby and News.com.au.

An Inconceivable Notion
Finch Publishing
Edited by: Justine Davies
ISBN: 9781921462115
Price: $26.95

Interview with Justine Davies

Why did you choose to use Emily's story as your main extract? Why is this story an important part of An Inconceivable Notion?

Justine Davies: Oh my gosh, you have no idea how difficult it was to choose one story to include in the extract - I wanted to include them all! Ultimately though I had to pick one and Emily and I really clicked. The first time I spoke with her I felt as though I'd known her forever - she's so warm and friendly and was so incredibly tolerant of me asking her anything and everything. She has been so honest and upfront with her story, with the relationship issues that she has faced because of her struggles to have a baby, with her fears that maybe she's now too old, her fears of actually facing a childless future. I think our first telephone conversation was over two hours long, and afterwards I sat on my bed and cried - I was so emotionally drained. And I was just listening to her story - she's living it!


How did you go about collating the information and stories in An Inconceivable Notion? How many personal stories are used in An Inconceivable Notion?

Justine Davies: I've interviewed eighteen men and women and their stories make up the eighteen chapters of the book - one for each person. Collating the information was done over months, partly via email, by telephone, face to face. I have to say how wonderfully generous and patient the interviewees all were, sharing their time and their stories with this stranger who suddenly bounded into their lives and started asking all manner of personal and sometime quite confronting questions.


Which is the most poignant story you have heard whilst researching for An Inconceivable Notion?

Justine Davies: How can I choose one!! Maybe Catherine - she's forty-six now and she and her husband have been trying for sixteen years to have a baby. They have basically tried everything - from acupuncture to IVF to applying for overseas adoption (which, devastatingly, they were knocked back on because of their age). Catherine detailed all their struggles to have a child and then the awful period of time when her husband, Mark, didn't know whether he could live without children. He was thinking seriously of ending the marriage, which probably sounds terribly to your readers, but when you listen to her story you can understand how an otherwise happily married couple could reach that point. The stress that not being able to have children despite wanting them can put on a relationship is immense. I love Catherine's story though because it has a happy ending. Her husband eventually decided that he could live without children more easily than he could live without her, and that watershed really strengthened their relationship. In her words: "The experiences that you have shape you into the person that you are. And those experiences might knock you about, but when you come out the other end it's brilliant."


In your opinion, how will this book help others?

Justine Davies: Hopefully this book can help readers in a few different ways. Firstly for those who are struggling with the concept that they might potentially remain childless I hope that the book can give them some reassurance that they are not alone. Almost every interviewee, the men and women, said how alone and isolated they feel or have felt at some point. It's such a private battle. each of the stories is so different - some have struggled with infertility, some have just never met "the one", some have married a partner who doesn't want kids - that I hope all readers will be able to find someone in the book whose story they can identify with.

Also, I really, really hope that lots of people who DO have kids read this book, because again most of the interviewees expressed their regret that their parent-friends don't understand what they are going through. I hope that this book can help parents to understand the issues and the sensitivities that their childless friends experience. There were so many little things; one interviewee for example said how shunned she feels because her parent-friends organise lots of BBQ's and playground catch-ups that she doesn't get invited to because she doesn't have kids. As she said though, she would still love to go along and catch up with the adults while their kids all played.


Can you share your opinion on abortions?

Justine Davies: I believe wholeheartedly that it's a woman's right to choose whether to have a baby or not. Having an abortion is something that each woman has to reconcile with her own moral/ethical views of course, but the option to have an abortion in a safe, professional environment should definitely be there.

Actually one of the interviewees works in a Women's Health Centre and like me she supports women's right to choose and to determine the course of their life. But she also described how sad it makes her feel to think of all those potential babies that could possibly be adopted out.


Do you have children of your own? Is this book a reflection on anything in your life?

Justine Davies: I have three children of my own - three beautiful girls - and basically fell pregnant the first time as soon as we decided to start trying! So I have never experienced any of the issues and emotions outlined in the book. So no, it is not a reflection on anything in my life. That actually was quite an important factor for me in writing this book - that I hadn't been in any of these situations; that I couldn't put myself in their shoes. I couldn't pre-empt what they were going to say or bias their stories with my own feelings. I just really wanted to give a voice to these people who are childless not by choice. So this is their own stories, pure and undiluted!