The Wonder Dates

We welcome to Femail.com.au our new columnist Matt Simpson. He doesn't understand women and or their dating habits. It's fair to say that at present Matt's love life is dormant, if not extinct.
Wonder Date # 1

I was 13 when I first met Lorraine*. It was during the 1st year of high school. We were the Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold of high school.

However, instead of following in our TV mentors' footsteps by spending our magical 1st date at a roller rink, we went to the movies.

We arrived at the crowded multiplex on Saturday afternoon. I let her choose the movie and she let me hold her hand. I brought her a drink, and she let me put my arm around her. I bought her popcorn... and before she allowed me to move along the field to the next base, the main character graced the screen. It was none other than William Bradley Pitt.

You see we didn't see just any movie; we went and sat through 133 excruciating minutes of "Legends of the Fall."

My popcorn, drink and handholding were no match for Brad Pitt dressed as a WWI army hero with a 3-day growth. The love of my life had found another.

I could just hear her thinking; "Why can't Matt ride a horse?" "I wish Matt had facial hair." "I bet Matt wouldn't spend 133 minutes talking to my mute father."

Our relationship went downhill from there. She would go to the tuck shop without waiting for me to walk with her. She started putting pictures of Brad in her diary.

And the final nail in the coffin was when she picked Pete Brown* before me to compete on her side in tunnel ball.


Wonder Date # 182

Almost 7 years later, I put myself on the torture rack again and went on yet another date. Her name was Paige*.

The date was to consist of drinks followed by a movie.

I was still carrying the baggage of Lorraine* with me, so like a certain TV theme says I "found a little help from my friends." My friend instructed me how to make a decent run around the baseball pitch without having to buy popcorn & drinks.

The date began. We were at the table of an outside bar with the banter bouncing from Paige* to me and from me to Paige*; there were laughs and drinks, and drinks and laughs. And we decided that the movie would only dampen what was becoming an enjoyable experience.

With a new plan of food and more drinks, I ventured to the bar to order and visited the toilet. At which time, so impressed was I with the current situation I decided to update my friend/coach on the proceedings by way of SMS. "We've decided not to go to the movies, having too much fun. I guess I won't be able to make any moves... damn" >>> send message>>> MESSAGE SENT.

With a smile and an empty bladder I returned to our roadside table, only to hear an electronic "BEEP BEEP" emerging from Paige's* phone and to feel the table vibrating. It was in the next few anxious moments that I realized a press of the button had caused the text message to bounce off one satellite onto another satellite and down to Paige's* phone.

Now if this had been a movie, the scene would have finished there, however in spite of this the Potato Skins arrived and the now excruciating date, had to continue.

We remained seated and I completely denied that my phone had in any way communicated with hers. There was very little conversation made but thankfully the Potato Skins provided a distraction. And as a cloud of doom hovered ever-lower over my head I began to contemplate how painful it would be to walk in front of a tram, while at the same time fantasizing how perfect life would be if all dates were conducted on roller-skates.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.


- Matt Simpson


To assure me that I'm not the only one who has had doomed dates, let me know by logging onto the forum > Males Unmasked