WHY MEN WANT SEX
WOMEN NEED LOVE
Relationship experts Allan and Barbara Pease are back with their ultimate book, lifting the lid on what men and women really want out of sex and relationships.
Translating the latest scientific research for the layperson, they gently guide us through the minefield of relationships in their trademark witty and entertaining style.
Whether you're with the love of your dreams already or still searching for the perfect match, Why Men Want Sex & Women Need Love provides all the info you'll ever need to understand the opposite sex - what motivates them, how biology and environment affects their behaviour, and their fundamental needs.
The Peases also discuss the different phases of love - lust, romantic love and long-term attachment - and reveal how recognising the distinct behaviour of each phase will help understand a person's actions.
With this book, you will learn how to get what you want - and how to keep it!
Allan and Barbara Pease are the most successful relationship authors in the business. They have written a total of 15 bestsellers - including 9 number ones - and give seminars in up to 30 countries each year. Their books are available in over 100 countries, are translated into 51 languages and have sold over 25 million copies. They appear regularly in the media worldwide, and their work has been the subject of 9 television series, a stage play and a number one box office movie which attracted a combined audience of over 100 million.
Their company, Pease International Ltd, produces videos, training courses and seminars for business and governments worldwide. Their monthly relationship column was read by over 20 million people in 25 countries. They have 6 children and 5 grandkids and are based in Australia and the UK.
Why Men Want Sex & Women Need Love
Author: Allan & Barbara Pease
Interview with Allan Pease
Femail spoke to Allan Pease about handling cheaters, relationships and his new book 'Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love'.
Do you believe 'Once a cheater always a cheater'?
Allan Pease: Well, the best way to predict the patterns of behaviour of your mate or potential partner in the future is the past. The past track record is an indicator of the future. So, for someone who has been a serial cheater, there is a fairly good chance that the trend will continue. If that trend doesn't continue they will still have the urge to want to do it, even if they may not. This is difficult for women because, women live under the false philosophy that when he is with me, his going to be different! 'I'm going to change him!' In fact, his not going to be different or change, a man aged 20 is the same guy when his 40, except he is balder and fatter. A woman aged 20, because of hormonal changes and the fact that they have children, by the time they get to 30, they are someone completely different to when they were 20. The 40 year old doesn't resemble the 30 year old and at 50 a woman's someone different again.
What are the classic signs of a cheater?
Allan Pease: It doesn't matter male or female. We have put many of them in the book, the things you are most likely to see. The reason these changes happen is because when someone gets wound up in an affair it changes how their hormones are performing, the hormones change how their brains think which changes their behaviour. It is fairly normal that the signals are going to be there, whether the other person sees them or not is another question. Woman are normally very good at spotting non-verbal signs that have changed, the question is, 'well okay she has spotted these changes in his routine, but she never said anything'- this is often because many woman often prefer to stay in denial. They really don't want to know about it, because if he is having an affair, you don't want to know about it and hopefully you will get through this and life will be even better.
The first major change for men and woman is routine changes. For example he suddenly joins a gym, but his never been in a gym in his life or he starts washing his own underwear or clothing. For her it could be she's not wearing a wedding ring as often or locking drawers at home. These are minor behaviour changes that take place. Whether you spot them or not is a different question. Most men are not very good at spotting them, because 80% of all relationships are entered by women. 90% of affairs are started by men and 80% are ended by woman. Men are in the affair for the sex, which is their prime motivation. Women get into affairs not for sex, but that they want other things, usually an increase in self-esteem, they are looking for love, but after a while there is no love and then they pull the plug.
How often do relationships work after a partner cheats?
Allan Pease: It depends on the generation. The younger a woman is the less likely she is to forgive him. If she is 25 and he is a cheater there is a greater chance that she will just cut this guy off as she has youth and reproductive values on her side to offer. If she is 50, there is a 50/50 chance she will run or work it out. The older she gets the more likely she will choose to work it out due to the older you get as a woman, the fewer guys are available because guys get sick and die off early. By the time women hit their sixties, for every five women there is only three men available. Also as women get older men don't want to settle because there are plenty of women for them.
What are the vital strategies to avoid becoming a cheater yourself?
Allan Pease: The first thing is that a lot of people say 'there is no way I'd ever cheat' but all the signs show that is not true. All of us are susceptible to cheating, everyone is. You could be at a time in your life that your boyfriend has just told you that you are hopeless in bed and you have no brain and this has been going on for two years, two months or whatever- and suddenly the great looking gardener tells you how good you look at that particular moment- suddenly bang it's on! That is how affairs start- with people who never thought previously that they would cheat. All of us, at some point of our life or relationship are susceptible to that- what you have to do is first avoid any situation that an affair might happen- so for the example I'll use me; I am now going to conferences on my own again, for the past 15 years Barb and I have travelled together. Now, I am on my own, often I look like a 'hero' and that makes me susceptible and now I'm on my own I go to the functions late and come home early- this makes me less susceptible. I don't stay or put myself in any position that it may happen. Most men say I'd never do it and most women believe them. In reality it can happen to anyone, at anytime. Avoid putting yourself in that situation.
Secondly, you make your partner you number one priority. That means over and above your career and your kids. Men put their career ahead of their partner and women put their children ahead of their partner, as soon as this happens you have the makings of an affair. You have to make an agreement to each other that you will put each other over and above careers and kids. However, you have to put each other first- that is the hard part- make the conscious decision to do this.
The third tip is to connect with each other everyday. Even if I am away I have my Skype open all the time - to connect with Barb and the kids every single day. I can yell out things from 15 miles away- it is brilliant and I can still connect. I am constantly there in Barbs life and the kids as well. We talk and can connect everyday.
The last thing is to have confidences that only you and your partner talk about. When you start talking about private or intimate thoughts with your co-workers or you mate and you don't talk about it with your partner or even if you do- this means you don't have anything that is private with your partner.
The main thing is to not put yourself in a situation where you could make yourself a target. Stay out of potential situations- if you don't think you'd ever have an affair you may be in a worse situation because you're not expecting it. You don't have to have low values or low morals to have an affair- it just has to be the right time in your life and the wrong place.
Why do younger women date older men?
Allan Pease: That has been going on for a million years. If you look at the basic hard-wiring of the brain in what men and women want, that is what we talk about in the first couple of chapters of 'Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love', the hard-wiring of the brain. Men are looking for reproductive ability, that is does she has the ability to reproduce my genes? That is his ultimate goal, for him to reproduce himself, his looking for use and health, the younger the better. Does that mean a 50 or a 60 year old woman has no chance? No, because with proper presentation, cosmetics and make-up it can give the illusion of youth. A bloke's brain responds to the signal not the reality- in a women's magazine I read the other day there was a women who was 62- she'd had a slight nip and tuck and used make-up - she looked good, a stunner. All of these young guys were chasing her, the reality is she has absolutely no reproductive value- but she looks like she does. She presents herself and looks after herself so well it looks like she does, which affects the attraction for the guys brain- not the reality.
Women have looked for men, for protection, shelter and food. In a word we call that 'resources' the older a man is the more 'resources' he is likely to have. That is why you'll see an older uglier bloke with a couple of really great looking women- think of Hugh Hefner, he is pushing 90 years old and he has the most beautiful women in the world. He has the resources- they have the health. Or Anna Nicole Smith, her billionaire boyfriend was 80 or something that is an extreme example but he had the resources and she provided what he needed.
That is why you see that older/younger combination and it also makes sense for an older guy to have a younger woman because of the evolution state point, it doesn't matter how old a guy is he can still father children. You rarely see lasting relationships with an older women and a younger guy, you get the odd rare one- but they are rare. With an older woman she'll take on an younger guy, when you come out of a relationship as a woman you'll feel burnt, cheated or you couldn't get what you wanted or he was a cheater, or whatever it may be - you are looking for a raise in self-esteem a younger bloke will give you that raise and make you feel like you are desirable. What's in it for a younger man? Power and resources!
Do relationships with a younger man and an older woman not last?
Allan Pease: Majority don't, they are a good ride in the short term, so go for it, have fun! But what we do know is statically they don't last.
What do you think is one of the most important things in a relationship?
Allan Pease: The most important thing, actually there is probably two. The first is to understand what motivates your partner to do and think the things that they do. Which is where their needs are coming from- then be prepared to meet their needs. Sometimes you may not be prepared to meet all of their needs. Try to meet eight out of ten and negotiate the other two as a trade off. I will often do things that I am not programmed to do- such as housework. I know that if I do housework, while she relaxes I will go well that night- I know that and I'll do whatever I need to, to meet those needs, especially because I know she is doing that for me too. If only one partner is doing that then the relationship is miss-balanced- often then the couple will find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time and an affair will start. All cheating is - is a clear signal that there is a problem in the relationship. Cheating is less likely to happen if you are talking with your partner about your needs, wants, feelings, desires and intimacies. When couples don't talk things can go off track.
Men think that the rules are the rules and you don't need to talk about them. A woman is happy to talk about everything, everyday. What we teach men is that when women talk you don't need to solve the problem, you just need to listen. Just listen to what she is thinking, and then you'll know where to go next. A relationship is a trade off of goods and services- that is basically it.
Tell us about your newest book Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love?
Allan Pease: They all follow the same theme. We talk plainly and in your face but we make it funny and digestible and easy to listen. A lot of it is common sense with science backing up why the common sense is true.
The last ten things a woman would every say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up. I love the feel of cold, wet porcelain.
3. I think hairy bums are really sexy.
4. Wow, get a whiff of that one! Pull my finger again!
5.Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.
6.This diamond is much too big! And by the way, I've get enough shoes.
7. Take that block of chocolate away!
8. I don't care if it's on sale: $500 is too much to pay for a designer dress!
9. Does this make my bum look too small?
10. I'm going out for a while. Why don't you phone your ex?